Love & Intimacy.. Nutrition for the Soul

 by Diana Daffner, published August 2013 in Natural Awakenings

Love & Intimacy: Nutrition for the Soul

As conscious beings, we are mindful about what we eat. We pay attention to the nutritional value of our food intake. We seek to increase what we think is good for us and diminish consumption of unhealthy commodities.

Love, too, perhaps even more than our diet, can provide healthy nutrition for both our bodies and our souls, even to the point of our survival from disease. Dean Ornish, M.D, , founder of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute, says “I am not aware of any other factor in medicine that has a greater impact on our survival than the healing power of love and intimacy. Not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery."

As with food, bringing mindfulness and attention to our intake of love can affect how beneficial it is for us. How do we do that? As with food, it is important to select well. Without knowledge, amply provided by magazines such as this, we might make poor choices. Of course, we need to apply our knowledge intelligently. When I was young, I must have somehow learned that too much salt was not good to eat. I distinctly remember feeding potato chips to my dog, but first licking off the salt because I knew it would not be healthy for her!

Selecting a love partner involves more than knowledge and the necessary rational application. Lovers are drawn toward each other by many inexplicable forces – perhaps including karma, pheromones, astrological intervention and who knows what else. Once we are in the relationship, we must continue to be smart about how to give and receive love in the most nutritional way possible.

Eye Contact
It is said that eyes are the windows to the soul. A recent Yale study actually supports the idea that our sense of our true essence is indeed located in or near the eyes. Intimacy can be thought of as “into-me-see.” Allowing our beloved to see into our eyes is perhaps the most direct path to cultivating the nutritionally intimate aspect of love.

Although it is considered romantic, couples often do not make strong eye contact, even when making love. Instead, we usually close our eyes! Closing the eyes may put us more in touch with what we are feeling in our body. However it is the eye contact that puts us more in touch with our partner. It is the eye contact that provides the opening to our soul.

In the movie Avatar, the phrase “I see you” is used to acknowledge a deep resonance and respect for one another at that soul level. In the novel “The Amaranth Bloom,” author Deborah June Goemans describes a South African ritual of soulful story telling called kukummi. “It starts with Ma saying, “I see you,” she writes.

To be truly seen by our beloved, to look into our partner’s eyes, is not only the height of romance, it provides a nutritious helping of love and intimacy. When served on a daily basis, with a sprinkling of gratitude and appreciation, it is like taking a megavitamin that nourishes and sustains both each individual and the relationship itself.

www.IntimacyRetreats.com

Intimacy is Just a Shift Away

September is here. There's been a shift from summer vacation to the start of school. Here in Florida, although it's still hot, the shift is noticeable: summer visitors are gone, winter tourists and residents haven't arrived yet. It's easier to get a parking spot at the beach, a seat at the movies and restaurants.

Many people feel that cosmic shifts are happening. This week, 09-09-09 sparked a flurry of ceremonies around the globe. I was delighted to play flute at one here on Siesta Beach. When people participate in ceremony, they shift into a sacred space. ~ SunBear

What shifts do you notice in YOUR life? During our daily tantric lovemaking this morning, Richard and I both noticed when we "shifted" from our individual, personal thoughts into a connection of we-ness. There was an almost tangible click as we shifted into the same orbit.

It's like shifting gears. If we're just zooming along at normal speed, we can easily miss each other. When we slow down, when we each remember to become present and in touch with the moment, we suddenly find each other. Click!

Find yourself, and your beloved, today. Slow down and make the shift. Intimacy is always just a click away!

Gratitude in Relationship

When I invite gratitude into my life, there is an immediate and delicious softening around the edges of my ego. My heart opens. I breathe more fully. The muscles, tissues and cells of my body relax. My mind lets go of its incessant occupation with what isn't, and quietly eases into the reality of what is.

The experience of gratitude is always here-and-now. I can give thanks, and feel thankful, only in the present moment. Settling into the present moment, I reveal my authentic beingness. I shift from a limited narcissitic perspective into the eternal sacredness of connection with All That Is.

Gratitude seems at first to be very self-centered. I am grateful for what I have in my life, for the gifts and abundance that surround me, nourish and support me. Grateful for the friends I have, the work I do, the opportunities the universe offers me. Grateful for my health or, if I am in dis-ease, grateful for an improvement back toward health. Like Pollyanna, I can find a reason to be grateful regardless of how bleak things may seem. Even the tiniest reason counts.

Personal gratitude can serve as a springboard to spiritual expansion. The act of gratitude itself, the physical, emotional and mental joining that takes place at the moment of giving thanks releases a powerful energy in the circuitry of our consciousness. This release takes place regardless of what we are being grateful for. Even a single moment of gratitude can alter our inner dynamic from a linear vibration of separateness to a circular flow of wholeness and belonging. From separate self to the One Self.

Significant amplification of this process takes place when we give thanks together. The shared energy of a group increases the transformation for each individual. This occurs whether we are giving thanks as a family before dinner, or in a formal ceremony of prayer in a spiritual community.

A love relationship can be a spiritual community of two. Gratitude plays a significant role in this elevation of relationship. Expressing our appreciation for one another is perhaps more important than anything else we do together. When we do so on a regular basis, our relationship is strengthened and empowered. Relationships improve when there is purposeful recognition of the various contributions each person makes - the preparation of a dinner, the mowing of a lawn. To thank another for simply being in our lives is enough to make a difference. When an aura of gratitude pervades a relationship, both individuals are continually renewed in spirit.

The element of gratitude also transforms sexual relations. Sex with a loving partner allows us to experience gratitude in the very depths of our soul. When we expose our bodies to another, when we uncover our hidden inner regions, when we permit another to touch and caress us into a joyous explosion of our sexuality, the pleasure of the release and the resulting glow is heightened by our grateful sense of having been accepted, valued, loved. Not only women, but men too, feel grateful when they open to their receptive yin nature. We yearn to be cared for at this level of intimacy, but are so often afraid to ask for it or admit how important it is to us. Perhaps we fear that too much gratitude might consume or weaken us. But allowing ourselves to enjoy being intimately treasured by another will not take away the strength of our own self-valuation. A relationship that is rich and balanced in shared gratitude is one that allows us to transcend the personal self and enter into the transcendent realm of sacred union.

Every moment of gratitude brings us into a here-and-now presence and enriches our lives. And when we enter into such moments with our lover, we merge together into the core of our being.

Sting and Tantric Sex

In a recent interview, the 18 year old daughter of musician Sting declared that her dad knows nothing about tantric sex. Some years ago a rumor had traveled the internet, that not only was Sting practicing tantric sex, he and his wife Trudie were doing for 8 hours at a time!

My husband and I were already leading Intimacy Retreats and teaching couples about the benefits of tantric sex... but we weren't setting records for marathon episodes. I was secretly relieved when about a year later, I heard that Sting had commented, "8 hours? I said that? I must have been including dinner and a movie!" Yet I also heard his wife Trudie Styler tell Oprah that sometimes he would draw a bath for her, and massage her. That's certainly time well spent!

This isn't the only occasion that Sting and Trudie's sex life has been in the news, but hopefully people won't throw the baby out with the bathwater. There is great value in understanding and practicing the aspects of sexual energy that define tantric sex. When combined with an opening of the heart, couples who bother to explore and embrace this ancient path are rewarded with amazing experiences of love, intimacy and spiritual joy.

Maybe Sting & Trudie will come to one of our workshops or read our book!

Tantra on Huffington Post

(I just wrote this as a comment to an an article/post on The Huffington Post, about Tantra. It was too long so I am posting it here in its entirety.)

Lots of comments to this post. Some object to a connection between sex & spirituality, others are concerned that the teachings presented here (in the Huffington Post article) aren't pure Tantra. At the end of the day, or the year, or the lifetime, what matters most is that we have loved. Even the Dalai Lama has said that life is about experiencing happiness. If we can find ways to bring more love and happiness into relationships by drawing on some principles of ancient wisdom, so much the better for all of us.

Oddly, the spiritual training most pertinent to my leading Intimacy Retreats for couples is twelve years of dedicated, daily training in Aikido. Yes, a martial art, and yes, Aikido is indeed more about spiritual awakening than about fighting. And no, Aikido is not about sex. (It’s a martial art, not a marital art!) One thing I learned in Aikido is that when my partner (not considered an "opponent").. . when my partner in Aikido extends energy toward me, I can blend with that energy, I can enter into such a connection with that partner, that, literally, for that moment, we become intimately part of something larger. Through a process of centering, I encounter a larger sense of being that encompasses us both. This is also experienced with my husband, not on an Aikido mat, but in our more physically intimate bedroom time together. This feeling is what most people would call spiritual. Many today call it tantric sex.

Ten years ago, when we created a modified Qigong practice that we call “Tantra Tai Chi,” I had some reservations at first to using the name. But as the years have passed, and restaurants and bands also use the name Tantra, I have become more accepting of its use in the public vernacular.

I’m a certified instructor a moving exercise originated by a westerner only 40 years ago. He named it T’ai Chi Chih®. When I began teaching, I was warned by a teacher from a more ancient lineage that this could be dangerous. Since one of the places I taught was the Manhattan AIDS project, I had to laugh. Dangerous?

I have huge respect for those who delve deeply into powerful spiritual traditions. Yet perhaps it is in the light-hearted yet meaningful sharing of principles from those ancient traditions, that their value is further increased and maintained.

Practices taught at weekend workshops do not generally lead to rigorous and lengthy training. On the other hand, they encourage a lifetime of continued - and enjoyable - practice. The merging of meditation and sexual pleasure, the ongoing activation and expression of love and intimate presence, these are the rewards that even a watered-down and maybe slightly skewed teaching of Tantra can provide us with.

Happiness is contagious and I hope we all catch it.

Social Networking? Significant Others?

Much of my day revolves around connecting with my S.O.’s. With Richard, my husband and MOST significant other, I take time every day to connect in a magical, meditative, spiritually, sexual way. If you’ve read our book, you know that we are hooked on S.E.X. as a Synchronized Energy eXchange. Yes, tantric sex keeps our marriage juicy after almost 25 years!

And there are other significant people I stay in touch with. Family and close friends. Far and near. Inner circle. As often as possible, but not always every day and sometimes not even every month.

There are all the warm acquaintances and friends with whom I sometimes party, watch sunsets with, meet by chance in the supermarket or at yoga on Siesta Beach. Real people in real time. When there’s time. (Missed yoga this morning. But I’m headed out soon to lead T’ai Chi Chih on the beach, as long as those clouds keep moving away.)

And then there are all those digital connections via Twitter, Facebook, blogs, articles and emails. My “reading public.” (First time I've ever used that term, I like the sound of it!) I stay in touch with dozens, hundreds, thousands of people whom I will probably never meet face-to-face. Yet there is significance in these relationships, too. It’s not just “business” networking. Many of my connections in cyberspace are people who are also reaching out to the world to share themselves, their dreams, and to help make it a better world, for themselves and for others. It’s truly a social network, a social movement that is growing larger by the nanosecond. I enjoy being part of that network, connecting with my many significant others. I love you all!

Feeling Sexy?

Sexy is the delighted smile caught across the room. Eyes lighting up at a glance. Slow, sensual lovemaking. Being happy for no reason. A satisfying rearrangement of art or furniture. Sexy is an impromptu jam – with musical instrument, voice or body. A touch, a scent. An openness to the moment. Sexy is a tingling, an energy flow. Sex itself is sexy when S.E.X. = Synchronized Energy eXchange, Shared Energy eXchange. Tantric sex is sexy. It involves the eyes, the touch, the senses. The mind listening to the heart is sexy. Nature is sexy. A leaf unfurling, a bud releasing into bloom. The rich dark earth. Soft breeze caressing skin. The night sky, the full moon. Stars. Sunrise. Surprises.

A great relationship is sexy. Waking up in love. The first rush of hot chemical connection is definitely sexy. But then sometimes sexy gets lost in the chaos of family, friends, home, health and career.

Sexy can be recaptured. It’s always there, in the very core of our being. Our inner joy. Sexy isn't what we do, it's who we are.

Gabbing?

Odd word, written down: gabbing. Webster defines it as talking in a "rapid or thoughtless" manner. So I guess I wasn't gabbing this morning with Yolande, Sarasota's premiere clothing designer, because our conversation was rich with serious thoughts. Seriously positive thoughts, and even some pauses between them. That's what made it such a great conversation! We really felt connected. (And since it was a follow up to our chance meeting on Siesta Beach, we had the recent memory of a physical hug still hanging around in our DNA.)

Why is it that verbal communication without specific information or instructions to impart is often put down as "just gabbing." (What is it called when the political pundits talk endlessly on TV?)

Are casual conversations about meaningful topics just "gabbing?" Well, yes, but we can reclaim the word as a GOOD thing, a good way to feel connected with the person we're chatting with. Like sex, some conversations create intimacy (into-me-see) and others are a waste of time. And, like sex, talking is important in a relationship. I once wrote about this in an article called We Have to Talk.

I could go on and on, since writing is a bit like gabbing. Blogging is gabbing. Oops, that's a sentence that's hard to say aloud. What makes a blog into a conversation is that readers can leave comments and reply. And a connected feeling can get transmitted across cyberspace.

Starting a Blog!

Years ago, I wrote an essay about "intimacy" which has been my passion, my delight, my salvation, and in recent years, my work as a facilitator of Intimacy Retreats for couples.

Connecting with others, really connecting, through eye contact and/or touch, through emotional and/or spiritual sharing, through writing and speaking and drumming and laughing.. has always been what drives and excites me.

The recent publication of my book, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day, has provided me with motivation to take my love of intimacy to a wider audience. This blog is one of the ways I am doing that. Regardless of how or why you land here, I hope that you are inspired to create intimacy in your own life.