Love & Intimacy.. Nutrition for the Soul

 by Diana Daffner, published August 2013 in Natural Awakenings

Love & Intimacy: Nutrition for the Soul

As conscious beings, we are mindful about what we eat. We pay attention to the nutritional value of our food intake. We seek to increase what we think is good for us and diminish consumption of unhealthy commodities.

Love, too, perhaps even more than our diet, can provide healthy nutrition for both our bodies and our souls, even to the point of our survival from disease. Dean Ornish, M.D, , founder of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute, says “I am not aware of any other factor in medicine that has a greater impact on our survival than the healing power of love and intimacy. Not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery."

As with food, bringing mindfulness and attention to our intake of love can affect how beneficial it is for us. How do we do that? As with food, it is important to select well. Without knowledge, amply provided by magazines such as this, we might make poor choices. Of course, we need to apply our knowledge intelligently. When I was young, I must have somehow learned that too much salt was not good to eat. I distinctly remember feeding potato chips to my dog, but first licking off the salt because I knew it would not be healthy for her!

Selecting a love partner involves more than knowledge and the necessary rational application. Lovers are drawn toward each other by many inexplicable forces – perhaps including karma, pheromones, astrological intervention and who knows what else. Once we are in the relationship, we must continue to be smart about how to give and receive love in the most nutritional way possible.

Eye Contact
It is said that eyes are the windows to the soul. A recent Yale study actually supports the idea that our sense of our true essence is indeed located in or near the eyes. Intimacy can be thought of as “into-me-see.” Allowing our beloved to see into our eyes is perhaps the most direct path to cultivating the nutritionally intimate aspect of love.

Although it is considered romantic, couples often do not make strong eye contact, even when making love. Instead, we usually close our eyes! Closing the eyes may put us more in touch with what we are feeling in our body. However it is the eye contact that puts us more in touch with our partner. It is the eye contact that provides the opening to our soul.

In the movie Avatar, the phrase “I see you” is used to acknowledge a deep resonance and respect for one another at that soul level. In the novel “The Amaranth Bloom,” author Deborah June Goemans describes a South African ritual of soulful story telling called kukummi. “It starts with Ma saying, “I see you,” she writes.

To be truly seen by our beloved, to look into our partner’s eyes, is not only the height of romance, it provides a nutritious helping of love and intimacy. When served on a daily basis, with a sprinkling of gratitude and appreciation, it is like taking a megavitamin that nourishes and sustains both each individual and the relationship itself.

www.IntimacyRetreats.com

Turned on by Abstinence

From our newsletter: http://bit.ly/cL3Soa In our book, Richard and I share about how we honor our relationship, our love and our spirituality with a daily sexual meditation that we call Peaceful Passion. We have been more or less consistent with this wonderful, juicy connection for quite a few years now. But not today.

Today is different because I have chosen to personally experience an ancient spiritual ritual and have been asked to abstain from physical intimacy for seven days as preparation for this one-time event. Richard agreed - reluctantly, but with appreciation for the power of the ritual. (That’s one of the reasons I love him so much. He sincerely tries to honor my needs and desires in all aspects of our lives. As do I his.)

Since sexuality itself serves as a spiritual process in our relationship, it may seem odd that we agreed to abstain from it. It’s only for one week, how hard could that be?

Well it turns out that it hasn’t been hard at all. In fact, I have loved the ongoing feeling of romantic interest - and yes, even arousal - that I am experiencing whenever I see or think of Richard. While this is somewhat normal for me, I have been noticing an increased level during these days without our sexual connection. Perhaps it's the anticipation of returning to our daily practice that excites me!

Imagine, being turned on by abstinence!

Acknowledging Presence: I See You

From today's Intimacy Retreats newsletter....

In the movie Avatar. a three-word phrase is used to acknowledge the true presence of another. The phrase is "I see you." How similar in feeling that is to "Namaste," the Sanskrit word we use at Intimacy Retreats when honoring our partner. Namaste translates as "bow," and indeed we do bow toward our beloved. The deeper meaning is even more significant. It is a spiritual acknowledgement. It is a seeing of the other as a beautiful expression of soul. In that place of soulness, we are One. This is the bliss of love.

At our retreats in Mexico, we use a Mayan expression, In Lak'ech, which means "I am your other you." Not only do I see you, but I am so connected to you, that we are One. While each is a unique expression of that Oneness, together we share who we are.

To truly see another, we must be in touch with our own authentic presence. A simple, three-word sentence that expresses such presence is "I am here." In Hebrew it is "Hineni," said by Moses as he stood before the burning bush. At our workshops, we use this as a powerful statement of committed connection. When we are facing our partner, looking into each other's eyes and aligning our hearts and bodies, "I am here" creates a timeless moment of shared presence.

Try saying these phrases with your beloved. Sit or stand in front of each other (naked is good!). If you have attended an Intimacy Retreat, use one of the Tantra Tai Chi positions or movements, or "Peaceful Passion." Look into each other's eyes. Let your beloved see into you. (Intimacy = Into-Me-See). Awaken love.

Valentine's Day Thoughts

I've been thinking lately about "discipline." It's going to be the topic of a teleclass panel I'm on, on Feb 23. My friend, author Susyn Reeve, of www.Self-Esteem-Experts.com, recently sent out, in her "daily inspiration" newsletter, a note about exercising her "discipline muscle."

For so many couples (dare I say most?), a daily routine to connect with one's most beloved partner is a challenging discipline to implement. Even when we reap a tangible benefit, even when it's something we enjoy, there's some kind of resistance we give in to. Or maybe it's simply a matter of forgetting.

For my husband Richard and me, the 10 minutes of our Peaceful Passion, using the energy principles of Tantra Tai Chi, while physically keeping lingam in yoni, is so mutually fulfilling to both of us that we manage to "remember" and show up for it almost daily. (Yes, sometimes we have to remind each other. It's still easy to get lost in whatever else we're each doing.)

I wonder how we decide which "disciplines" become routine in our lives.. For example, I have not ever - at least not yet - managed to discipline myself to a daily stretching or yoga routine, which I "keep meaning to." Maybe we don't make a decision about most of them, we just get into the habit of whatever we do - or don't do - regularly. Writing in this blog is an activity I show up for, albeit quite irregularly, even though I love writing. (How delighted I am to be here right now!)

We make choices every moment, and if we don't choose, the choice is made for us, maybe based on either momentum or entropy. We keep moving because we're moving, or we run out of steam. Discipline, habits, routines... A lot to muse about, yes?

Temperament plays a role. Some of us are born with a strong discipline muscle, or have it trained into us. Some need "new" everyday, are addicted to the brain's pleasure center that lights up for novelty. For others, routine and discipline are comforting.

I don't have any answers but I do believe that each of us can enhance our lives by creating - and sticking to - rituals that matter to our health, our relationship, our life. And I am grateful that Richard and I both find Peaceful Passion valuable enough to show up for it every day!

Odd thoughts, perhaps, on Valentine's Day, thinking about discipline, ritual, routines. Or not odd at all, since the whole idea of Valentine's Day is an annual routine, an annual ritual. We've been trained as a society, that at least once a year (well, maybe two or three times, including birthdays, anniversaries and those December holidays), we "show up" to express love for our partner. What if we only went to the gym three times a year? Not much exercise of our "discipline muscle" would occur.

Susyn proposes that when we stick to an exercise routine, a physical workout, it helps strengthen our ability to be more disciplined in other areas of our life. I wonder though, if some couples might do better to trade in some of that exercise time for at least a brief daily loving time with each other. When we nourish our relationships on a regular basis, we live in joy. Surely that's a way to make Valentine's Day last all year!

Intimacy is Just a Shift Away

September is here. There's been a shift from summer vacation to the start of school. Here in Florida, although it's still hot, the shift is noticeable: summer visitors are gone, winter tourists and residents haven't arrived yet. It's easier to get a parking spot at the beach, a seat at the movies and restaurants.

Many people feel that cosmic shifts are happening. This week, 09-09-09 sparked a flurry of ceremonies around the globe. I was delighted to play flute at one here on Siesta Beach. When people participate in ceremony, they shift into a sacred space. ~ SunBear

What shifts do you notice in YOUR life? During our daily tantric lovemaking this morning, Richard and I both noticed when we "shifted" from our individual, personal thoughts into a connection of we-ness. There was an almost tangible click as we shifted into the same orbit.

It's like shifting gears. If we're just zooming along at normal speed, we can easily miss each other. When we slow down, when we each remember to become present and in touch with the moment, we suddenly find each other. Click!

Find yourself, and your beloved, today. Slow down and make the shift. Intimacy is always just a click away!

Tantra on Huffington Post

(I just wrote this as a comment to an an article/post on The Huffington Post, about Tantra. It was too long so I am posting it here in its entirety.)

Lots of comments to this post. Some object to a connection between sex & spirituality, others are concerned that the teachings presented here (in the Huffington Post article) aren't pure Tantra. At the end of the day, or the year, or the lifetime, what matters most is that we have loved. Even the Dalai Lama has said that life is about experiencing happiness. If we can find ways to bring more love and happiness into relationships by drawing on some principles of ancient wisdom, so much the better for all of us.

Oddly, the spiritual training most pertinent to my leading Intimacy Retreats for couples is twelve years of dedicated, daily training in Aikido. Yes, a martial art, and yes, Aikido is indeed more about spiritual awakening than about fighting. And no, Aikido is not about sex. (It’s a martial art, not a marital art!) One thing I learned in Aikido is that when my partner (not considered an "opponent").. . when my partner in Aikido extends energy toward me, I can blend with that energy, I can enter into such a connection with that partner, that, literally, for that moment, we become intimately part of something larger. Through a process of centering, I encounter a larger sense of being that encompasses us both. This is also experienced with my husband, not on an Aikido mat, but in our more physically intimate bedroom time together. This feeling is what most people would call spiritual. Many today call it tantric sex.

Ten years ago, when we created a modified Qigong practice that we call “Tantra Tai Chi,” I had some reservations at first to using the name. But as the years have passed, and restaurants and bands also use the name Tantra, I have become more accepting of its use in the public vernacular.

I’m a certified instructor a moving exercise originated by a westerner only 40 years ago. He named it T’ai Chi Chih®. When I began teaching, I was warned by a teacher from a more ancient lineage that this could be dangerous. Since one of the places I taught was the Manhattan AIDS project, I had to laugh. Dangerous?

I have huge respect for those who delve deeply into powerful spiritual traditions. Yet perhaps it is in the light-hearted yet meaningful sharing of principles from those ancient traditions, that their value is further increased and maintained.

Practices taught at weekend workshops do not generally lead to rigorous and lengthy training. On the other hand, they encourage a lifetime of continued - and enjoyable - practice. The merging of meditation and sexual pleasure, the ongoing activation and expression of love and intimate presence, these are the rewards that even a watered-down and maybe slightly skewed teaching of Tantra can provide us with.

Happiness is contagious and I hope we all catch it.

Social Networking

As I spend time traveling around cyberspace, looking for places to post information about the Intimacy Retreats or my book signing schedule, I find that "social networking" leads me into actual connections with real people. Today I had a wonderful dialog with California writer and Tantra teacher Luminessa Enjara, whose passion is to empower women through their sexuality.

Another sex coach, Pam Babbitt of Colorado, wrote about my book today in her blog. I'm reminded that I am part of a larger community. Since I spend most days sitting in front of my computer, I tend to forget that I'm not really alone. How easy it is to get caught in that "optical delusion of separation" (Einstein quote in my last post). How heart-warming and uplifting to awaken to the reality of connection. Allowing myself to be seen, I am embraced by the universe.

I've decided to celebrate my birthday this Sunday (May 10) by inviting everyone to join me at the Siesta Key Drum Circle. Eleven years ago, it was my birthday event that brought the circle back to life after it had gotten rained out for many Sundays in a row. There's something about drumming that brings a group into harmony together, sharing a resonance of vibration. (Maybe it's similar to mob mentality, but with a higher purpose?)

Gabbing?

Odd word, written down: gabbing. Webster defines it as talking in a "rapid or thoughtless" manner. So I guess I wasn't gabbing this morning with Yolande, Sarasota's premiere clothing designer, because our conversation was rich with serious thoughts. Seriously positive thoughts, and even some pauses between them. That's what made it such a great conversation! We really felt connected. (And since it was a follow up to our chance meeting on Siesta Beach, we had the recent memory of a physical hug still hanging around in our DNA.)

Why is it that verbal communication without specific information or instructions to impart is often put down as "just gabbing." (What is it called when the political pundits talk endlessly on TV?)

Are casual conversations about meaningful topics just "gabbing?" Well, yes, but we can reclaim the word as a GOOD thing, a good way to feel connected with the person we're chatting with. Like sex, some conversations create intimacy (into-me-see) and others are a waste of time. And, like sex, talking is important in a relationship. I once wrote about this in an article called We Have to Talk.

I could go on and on, since writing is a bit like gabbing. Blogging is gabbing. Oops, that's a sentence that's hard to say aloud. What makes a blog into a conversation is that readers can leave comments and reply. And a connected feeling can get transmitted across cyberspace.

Starting a Blog!

Years ago, I wrote an essay about "intimacy" which has been my passion, my delight, my salvation, and in recent years, my work as a facilitator of Intimacy Retreats for couples.

Connecting with others, really connecting, through eye contact and/or touch, through emotional and/or spiritual sharing, through writing and speaking and drumming and laughing.. has always been what drives and excites me.

The recent publication of my book, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day, has provided me with motivation to take my love of intimacy to a wider audience. This blog is one of the ways I am doing that. Regardless of how or why you land here, I hope that you are inspired to create intimacy in your own life.