Tantric Communication for Couples: Body-Centered and Sexy

(Published in June 2013, Natural Awakenings Magaxine)

             

You may have heard of Tantra, and think it refers to a sexual practice. Well, yes, and no. Tantra is actually an ancient spiritual training that embraces sexual energy as a pathway to divine consciousness. The principles of tantric lovemaking can also be applied to the way you and your partner communicate with each other.

Tantra is about becoming embodied. Obviously, if you’re reading this, you are embodied, you manifest on earth as a body that houses your spirit. However, to be truly “embodied” means to have intentional, heightened awareness of our own presence. The body is a doorway through which we can step into an even greater sense of ourselves. By centering in the body, we open ourselves to what is beyond the body, to a higher vibration of our own existence.

Some spiritual trainings take an “out-of-body” approach. Tantra instead invites us to become fully present IN the body, in order to access the deeper, non-physical truth of who we are. It is not about being more physical. It is about centering ourselves in the ultimate here and now of our being.

How does this apply to communication? Well, you know the expression “talking heads?” It is used to describe TV pundits who are continually giving us their endless opinions. In a sense, we are all “talking heads.” We talk from our heads. “I think, therefore I am,” asserted Descartes back in the 16^th century. Identifying with our thoughts is indeed, a common way of self-referencing, of recognizing who we are. Yet is it enough?

Thoughts are valuable and give direction to our lives. Emotions are a combination of our mental thoughts and the sensations or feelings we experience via our body. How thoughts feel in our bodies, what bodily sensations we experience when we think or express our own or hear another’s thoughts, and where we feel them, can give us powerful clues to our inner truth. Thoughts and body feelings feed on each other, influence each other. Thoughts generate feelings. Sensations that we experience in the body trigger thoughts.

Tantric practices and rituals give us an opportunity to separate from our thoughts long enough to notice what the body is experiencing. It’s easy to imagine how this might enhance lovemaking, which is why tantric sex is so meaningful for a couple to learn together. In communication, too, noticing what the body is sensing becomes a helpful foundation for more meaningful and truthful dialogue.

Words matter. We experience a cognitive satisfaction, along with a bodily sensation, when we feel we have been heard, that our words have been understood as we intended. As in tantric sex, it is often during a pause, in a moment of silence, that this fulfillment is most awakened. Tantric communication encourages time for such pauses.

Instead of bringing us closer, words often cause a divide, a separation. We attack, we blame, we defend, we want to prove our point. Tantric communication intentionally uses words in ways that create connection. Rather then countering what our partner says, we learn to blend with their perspective, to see from their point of view, and then respectfully create a bridge to our own.

To communicate well we must be focused on the communication exchange. Often our attention wanders, gets hijacked by one of the thousands of thoughts that are continually arising in our mind. In many spiritual practices, mantras are used during meditation to re-focus our attention. In tantric communication, we similarly learn how to bring our attention back, and how to request our partner’s attention if we feel we have lost that connection.

When we feel heard, we open ourselves to the present moment. This is where Tantra takes place. This is the opportunity for divine joy. Words themselves can be used to define and highlight such moments. It’s not only about what we say and how we say it. In tantric communication, we learn to anchor words directly into our bodily presence. Our words become a conscious acknowledgment of our existence. Chakras, centers of life-force energy in our bodies, can be accessed as focal points. We most successfully communicate our needs and desires when we align them with the appropriate chakra.

Energy follows attention. We can place attention in our heart center, for example, and say to our partner the simple word, “Heart.” Our partner hears this as both an affirmation of where we have put our attention, as well as an invitation to move into their own heart. Together in our hearts, we share the energy of love.

Communication is best when it flows back and forth. At times we are a mirror for our partner, reflecting back to them what we have heard them say. This not only lets them know that we are listening, it also helps them check within, to sense if those words really fit what they want to express. At other times we are a window, offering our partner a view into our own soul. Opening to our partner, allowing ourselves to be seen, creates intimacy (into-me-see). Together, we open to an expanded consciousness of the moment.

Tantric communication supports authenticity and presence. What could be sexier?

Beyond Hormones ~ Sex & Spirituality

My article, about applying the Chinese 5-Element Theory to relationships, was recently featured on Chopra's Intent.com.  Here are some excerpts...

In the beginning, when love is new, romance, courting and conquest are aphrodisiacs, stimulants that increase our appetite for sexual union.  Eventually the chase ends, hearts are won, and lifetime pledges are made. The happy couple says “I do,” strolls off into the sunset together, destined to be lovers forever. 

So what happens?  The newness fades, the passion flees. Where does it go?  Does it get mortgaged along with the house?  Disposed with the diapers? 

....

We desire even more than the wonderful climax of sexual release. We crave a connection with our partner’s soul. We ache to embrace a love that lights up our eyes, that enlivens our very being.

...

A Chinese saying tells us that “young love is from earth; mature love from heaven.” Could it be that our bodies are trying to tell us something as they slow down and cool off?  Could it be that it is not our biology which needs assistance, but our spiritual self?

If we look at relationships from a perspective of the Chinese five-element system, we can gain some insight and direction.  In this ancient understanding of the cosmos, the elements that describe all the phases of creation are wood, fire, earth, metal and water.  Each influences the next, in a nourishing cycle of harmonious development. 

Wood is represented by the flexibility and rapid growth of bamboo. When love is first born, it too grows rapidly. Its season is Spring, a time when plants sprout new life and blossom profusely. There is tender excitement, exploration and discovery.  As the day brightens from dawn to noon, relationship proceeds to the next phase, which is fire. Wood provides fuel for fire. 

... You can read the complete article at Intimacy Retreats.com or at Intent.com.

Yelapa, Mexico

We have stayed on in Mexico for a bit, after leading our winter Intimacy Retreat week at Mar de Jade in Chacala. Right now we are in Yelapa - no cars here, a magical place on the Pacific Coast! To get here, you must take a boat from Puerto Vallarta. Richard and I wintered in Yelapa in 1997, when there was no electricity.  Now, we even have wifi and I was able to get out a newsletter..  See http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/email/newsletter/1411619083

Thanks for stopping by!

xo

Diana

On Becoming a Flute Player

I was 23 years old and not terribly sure of myself. I had been, perhaps unduly, influenced by the character Luisa in The Fantasticks, who cried out, “Please God, please, don’t let me be normal!” If “normal” meant the life I saw around me as I came of age in the sixties, I knew I wanted something different. But even after four years in college including a semester abroad, I still didn’t know who I was or what I was meant to be doing in the world.

When I was younger, my parents had insisted on my taking piano lessons. I never practiced enough to become skilled. Music did not seem to be a passion for me. Yet somehow, during my 23rd summer, living in California, I acquired a recorder. One night at a party, a fellow I was with wanted me to play certain specific notes to accompany him. Perhaps he played guitar, I don’t recall. I had great difficulty sticking to the exact notes and melody he requested. This upset him enough to say to me: “If you can’t do that, you probably shouldn’t play music at all.”Crushing words that I have never forgotten. Crushing words that might have kept me forever from the joy I now experience as a flute player.  Although flute playing is not my profession, it is a valued and frequently indulged delight!

Playing Native Flute, Italy

The pleasure in playing music has various levels. As I play, I am aware of an amazing flow rushing through me. I become one with that flow. It is a feeling of aliveness and emotion, amovement of vibrating life force. The sounds that emerge are both the cause and effect of that flow. It is an integrated dance of breath, sound and energy. And when I make music with another person, the energy of his or her flow enters into me and weaves with my own to create something entirely new.  It is like making love.

What? You might be wondering, how did that happen? How did I recover from such a devastating put-down to end up where I am now, where making music is like making love?

Apparently something in me just didn’t accept what that fellow had said to me. Instead, and for no conscious reason that I can recall, I walked into a pawn shop a few weeks later and bought a silver flute! Somewhere in me was a knowing and a longing to make music. Despite those hurtful words, despite my disinterest in practicing piano, despite the fact that I cannot easily “carry a tune” and despite the fact that I knew nothing about flutes, I bought one. I didn’t even know if it was in working condition.

Fortunately, I knew a man in Big Sur, where I lived, who played saxophone (mostly) and flute (sometimes) with a band called Big Sur Light & Power. His name was Karl, and it is to him that I owe my transformation from inept and disinterested musician to someone who plays and loves to play the flute. I brought my newly purchased flute to Karl. He told me it needed to be repaired before it could be played. I was disappointed, so he showed me how to blow a couple of notes on HIS flute. Three, to be exact. He taught me to play three notes.

Shortly afterward, I was at a large party atop Partington Ridge, with a vast view, beneath us, of the Pacific Ocean. Karl’s band was playing – mostly him on sax and about ten men on conga drums. There were plenty of women, of course, who were all dancing, swaying to the rhythm of the drums, nearly all dressed in leotard tops and long skirts. Women were not permitted to play drums in Big Sur in those days. Music making was what the guys did. The women danced and cooked, and were often barefoot and pregnant. (Honestly, this was Big Sur in the sixties!)

Rather than joining the women, I sat close to where Karl was playing, hoping he would play his flute. He didn’t, and eventually the band stopped to take a break. The women disappeared to serve food, and other men stepped up to the drums to continue playing, to keep the music alive. As Karl put away his sax, I asked him to play his flute, since I figured I ought to learn what it sounds like. He obliged, for only a few minutes. Then, suddenly, he turned to me with flute outstretched in his hand, saying, OK, it’s your turn now. What??  Me?? I knew how to play THREE notes – and had only played them at his house a few days earlier. Something in me was yearning to reach out and take the flute, and I suppose he saw that, but there was no way I was going to do so in front of all those people. Me? I can’t even carry a tune, or remember a simple melody.

Karl stood resolute, saying to me these exact words: “You’re going to have to start some time, it might as well be now.” He spoke directly to my heart and I heard him. I will forever be grateful to him. Had he not encouraged me in such a straightforward way, I might never have stepped up to play. I took his flute, stood in front of the drummers, and tentatively blew one of the notes he had taught me. The drummers kept playing, as they had been playing throughout our little side conversation. Then I blew the second note, letting my body pick up the rhythm of the drums, feeling it inside me. Finally, the third note. And the drummers kept drumming!

So I began to improvise, first one, than another, and back to the third note, even mixing them up. The drummers kept drumming. For the first time in my life I was making music, and absolutely loving it!

As if that wasn’t enough, another fellow with a flute suddenly appeared. He began to play. He knew a whole lot more than my three notes and together we continued to make music. I couldn’t believe it! I was in heaven. I was so high that I thought I might fall off the mountain.This is a heaven I may never have discovered if not for that transformational push from Karl. I only wish I knew where he is to thank him.

Posted in http://essenceoflaurel.com/on-becoming-a-flute-player/

Sacred Sexuality

Watch this informative interview on Spiritual Broadcast Network TV:
http://tv.sbnvideo.tv/diana-daffner-sacred-sexuality-beyond-matrix/

We, Oui!

Daily Practice of Love

You might think from the "We,Oui" title - and this iconic photo - that I am going to discuss a workshop in Paris. (I'm not, but check out our Intimacy Retreat in ITALY next year!)

No, I chose the title because it expresses how I feel each morning, as Richard and I join together in our daily practice of love. Oui, oui ~ Yes, yes! We - the two of us, joined in love, experiencing such happiness in that moment that we want it to last forever. Like lovers in Paris. We, Oui!

Pragmatic relationship counselors often try to normalize the idea that over time, a relationship loses its romantic feeling, that it's natural for that to happen. Well, yes, lots of things change as we move from our 20's into our 30's, 30's into 40's, etc. Change is inevitable. Look at our bodies! We know that exercise and eating nutritiously are necessary to keep ourselves healthy and trim. If we do nothing to stimulate our bodies into shape, they will indeed slip out of shape. 

Similarly if we do nothing to keep our romantic relationship in shape, it, too, will slip out of shape and become a fading memory. However, this so-called "normal" waning of romance is reversible if we attend to activities and attitudes that can keep it in shape.

A romantic relationship depends on the emotional bond you share with your partner. It's not just flowers and bling, and it's not just sex (tantric or otherwise), and it's not just sharing a home together. It's about the connection you share, the energy of your love, your "we-ness."

Like our bodies, a vibrant and rewarding sense of connection with a partner can keep its shape with proper attention. Touch, for example, encourages a necessary hormonal response for bonding.

Try this: Ask your partner to join you, for the next 7 days, for at least ten minutes a day, in some romantic touching activity. Not sure what to do? Try massaging, hugging, "Peaceful Passion" or any other way of sharing a loving connection through your body, your skin, your hands, your hearts. Be sexy, sexual and/or sensual. TEN MINUTES? That's less time than you spend trying to end a phone call with someone you don't even want to be talking to!Surely your relationship is worth the time?

Be sure to let me know how this daily practice of love affects the shape of your relationship!

Need more ideas? Check out our book: Tantric Sex for Busy Couples and/or use our Lessons in Intimacy CD.

For upcoming dates & locations of Intimacy Retreats, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com/schedule.htm 

Nailing it

 Here is the most recent newsletter sent from my website, www.IntimacyRetreats.com:
"Nailing it - that Just Right Feeling"